August 6, 2007
Woo Bloody Hoo
I think it might be time for me to leave this city, job, apartment . . . I'm pretty damn sick of being eff'd in the a.
Anyone else want to come to my pity party? It'll be taking place all week.
Anyone else want to come to my pity party? It'll be taking place all week.
August 4, 2007
uh huh, uh huh, got it!
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): [Editor's note: To prepare this horoscope, I stole some of the lyrics from Yoko Ono's song "Revelations" and added some words of my own.] Bless you for your anger, Scorpio. It's a sign of zeal. If you transform it into creative fire, it will transmute your relationship with any situation you're angry about. Bless you for your greed. It's a sign of great capacity. Honor the law of karma by giving as much as you want to get, and your greed will drive you to grow generous. Bless you for your jealousy. It's a sign of immature empathy. Ripen it into admiration, and what you admire will become an inspiring part of your life. -Rob Brezsny, Village Voice
August 3, 2007
August 1, 2007
To my Mam:
PINCH PUNCH FIRST DAY OF THE MONTH!
WHITE RABBIT WHITE RABBIT WHITE RABBIT!
I win. (You cheat.)
WHITE RABBIT WHITE RABBIT WHITE RABBIT!
I win. (You cheat.)
All writery and shit.
Funny little idea . . .
Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest - 2007 Results
A few of my favorites:
Dishonorable Mention – Vile Puns
He was often found lurking behind the bakery, begging for scraps and practicing his rap, which is why he was known locally, as the synonym bum.
Runner-Up - Detective
She'd been strangled with a rosary—not a run-of-the-mill rosary like you might get at a Catholic bookstore where Hail Marys are two for a quarter and indulgences are included on the back flap of the May issue of "Nuns and Roses" magazine, but a fancy heirloom rosary with pearls, rubies, and a solid gold cross, a rosary with attitude, the kind of rosary that said, "Get your Jehovah's Witness butt off my front porch."
Dishonorable Mention - Detective
What shocked Juliette as she entered the room was not that there was an escaped convict under her coverlet snuggling with her best teddy bear, but that there was a knife through his back, "And who," she wondered out loud, steadying herself against the faux-taffeta wallpaper, "would stab a teddy bear?"
Dishonorable Mention - Romance
He held her desperately in his arms and stroked her silken hair, and as he drew her full red lips to his, he ravenously smothered her with lots of smooches.
Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest - 2007 Results
An international literary parody contest, the competition honors the memory (if not the reputation) of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873). The goal of the contest is childishly simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Although best known for "The Last Days of Pompeii" (1834), which has been made into a movie three times, originating the expression "the pen is mightier than the sword," and phrases like "the great unwashed" and "the almighty dollar," Bulwer-Lytton opened his novel Paul Clifford (1830) with the immortal words that the "Peanuts" beagle Snoopy plagiarized for years, "It was a dark and stormy night."
A few of my favorites:
Dishonorable Mention – Vile Puns
He was often found lurking behind the bakery, begging for scraps and practicing his rap, which is why he was known locally, as the synonym bum.
Runner-Up - Detective
She'd been strangled with a rosary—not a run-of-the-mill rosary like you might get at a Catholic bookstore where Hail Marys are two for a quarter and indulgences are included on the back flap of the May issue of "Nuns and Roses" magazine, but a fancy heirloom rosary with pearls, rubies, and a solid gold cross, a rosary with attitude, the kind of rosary that said, "Get your Jehovah's Witness butt off my front porch."
Dishonorable Mention - Detective
What shocked Juliette as she entered the room was not that there was an escaped convict under her coverlet snuggling with her best teddy bear, but that there was a knife through his back, "And who," she wondered out loud, steadying herself against the faux-taffeta wallpaper, "would stab a teddy bear?"
Dishonorable Mention - Romance
He held her desperately in his arms and stroked her silken hair, and as he drew her full red lips to his, he ravenously smothered her with lots of smooches.
July 31, 2007
I can see your bum.
It is really amazing how much better your day can be when you're wearing pants that fit.
Think about it.
Think about it.
You fall for pretty strangers / And the promises they hold
Wow, the “Hamptons” suck it (see #7) . . . and 9 other things I learned over this past weekend:
1. Cadbury Buttons go beautifully with strawberries and champagne . . . and a breezeway . . . and a quiet night at my sister’s house . . . and good company . . . (Sarah: We’re totally doing that again next time I’m out there. I’ll bring the Prosecco . . . and, um, we’ll order the Buttons?)
2. You don’t so much need towels at the beach . . . you do, however, need sunblock (especially if you’re the color of snow). The crazy bright red color (and pain) that was all over my back, chest and shoulders has finally started to dissipate, somewhat. Let’s just say, these last fews days have made me wish I could let the girls free and go boob-holder-less – outside of my humble abode, that is. “Why not?” you say . . . “For fear of clocking small children in my path,” I say.
3. You tell a two-year-old not to do something, she’s going to do it . . . and do it with a smile.
4. My sisters are two of my best friends (sniffle sniffle wheeze sniffle).
5. I’m still pretty naïve when it comes to believing that most people are open-minded.
6. You stand up for yourself and for your friends and you feel quite a bit of peace.
7. The “Hamptons” is one big ball of insecurity, immaturity, and asshole.
8. I love breakfast food. A lot. A whole, whole lot.
9. There's nothing much better than being by yourself, at home, under a blanket, during a rainstorm, with a good movie/TV/book/magazine, and a big bowl of ice cream.
10. Absence makes the heart grow fonder . . . or some bullshit like that.
1. Cadbury Buttons go beautifully with strawberries and champagne . . . and a breezeway . . . and a quiet night at my sister’s house . . . and good company . . . (Sarah: We’re totally doing that again next time I’m out there. I’ll bring the Prosecco . . . and, um, we’ll order the Buttons?)
2. You don’t so much need towels at the beach . . . you do, however, need sunblock (especially if you’re the color of snow). The crazy bright red color (and pain) that was all over my back, chest and shoulders has finally started to dissipate, somewhat. Let’s just say, these last fews days have made me wish I could let the girls free and go boob-holder-less – outside of my humble abode, that is. “Why not?” you say . . . “For fear of clocking small children in my path,” I say.
3. You tell a two-year-old not to do something, she’s going to do it . . . and do it with a smile.
4. My sisters are two of my best friends (sniffle sniffle wheeze sniffle).
5. I’m still pretty naïve when it comes to believing that most people are open-minded.
6. You stand up for yourself and for your friends and you feel quite a bit of peace.
7. The “Hamptons” is one big ball of insecurity, immaturity, and asshole.
8. I love breakfast food. A lot. A whole, whole lot.
9. There's nothing much better than being by yourself, at home, under a blanket, during a rainstorm, with a good movie/TV/book/magazine, and a big bowl of ice cream.
10. Absence makes the heart grow fonder . . . or some bullshit like that.
July 30, 2007
Yup, Sarah, I'm going to end up in the South.
Mmmmmm mmmmmm
Ohhhh ooohhh yea
Sitting here thinking
Damn I'm getting a little older
Trying to find some piece of mind
Take the weight of the world off my shoulders
Mmmm got me driving down the highway
Trying to make it through each and every day
Fade to black n all poverty
Take a truck and move my people down south with me
Trade my ball and chain in for a ticket
On a one way trip into Georgia
Big smiles, apple pies, my people, and blue skies
Tomatoes grow where I can pick em'
On an open highway through Georgia
Green grass, tear stains, shadow dancing in the pouring rain
Sitting here looking in the mirror
Damn it's getting a little clearer
If I could paint a perfect picture
Would u dare take it wit ya, take it wit ya, take it wit ya
Picture us whistling while fishing
Picture us dancing while romancing
To a tune that belongs to me and u
My ball and chain we will all be free yea
Trade my ball and chain in for a ticket
On a one way trip into Georgia
Big smiles, apple pies, my people, and blue skies
Tomatoes grow where I can pick em'
On an open highway through Georgia
Green grass, tear stains, shadow dancing in the pouring rain
We can be dancing, steady romancing
Whistling, while we steady fishing
Yea, yeah, oooh, oooooooh
Oooooooh, yeah
FYI: I will be marrying Anthony Hamilton. Just as soon as he figures out who I am. (Would answering one perfume soaked letter kill him? I mean, seriously . . .)
Ohhhh ooohhh yea
Sitting here thinking
Damn I'm getting a little older
Trying to find some piece of mind
Take the weight of the world off my shoulders
Mmmm got me driving down the highway
Trying to make it through each and every day
Fade to black n all poverty
Take a truck and move my people down south with me
Trade my ball and chain in for a ticket
On a one way trip into Georgia
Big smiles, apple pies, my people, and blue skies
Tomatoes grow where I can pick em'
On an open highway through Georgia
Green grass, tear stains, shadow dancing in the pouring rain
Sitting here looking in the mirror
Damn it's getting a little clearer
If I could paint a perfect picture
Would u dare take it wit ya, take it wit ya, take it wit ya
Picture us whistling while fishing
Picture us dancing while romancing
To a tune that belongs to me and u
My ball and chain we will all be free yea
Trade my ball and chain in for a ticket
On a one way trip into Georgia
Big smiles, apple pies, my people, and blue skies
Tomatoes grow where I can pick em'
On an open highway through Georgia
Green grass, tear stains, shadow dancing in the pouring rain
We can be dancing, steady romancing
Whistling, while we steady fishing
Yea, yeah, oooh, oooooooh
Oooooooh, yeah
FYI: I will be marrying Anthony Hamilton. Just as soon as he figures out who I am. (Would answering one perfume soaked letter kill him? I mean, seriously . . .)
July 27, 2007
What What! Holla!
My bones are back! My bones are back!
Pull up your skirt, and you shall receive!
Wait . . .
You know, it didn't sound overtly sexual in my head.
Shocker.
Pull up your skirt, and you shall receive!
Wait . . .
You know, it didn't sound overtly sexual in my head.
Shocker.
July 26, 2007
Studying Stones
I am out here studying stones
Trying to learn to be less alive
Using all of my will
To keep very still
Still even on the inside
I've cut all of the pertinent wires
So my eyes can't make that connection
I am holding my breath
I am feigning my death
When I'm looking in your direction
'Course numb is an old hat
Old as my oldest memories
See that one's my mother
And that one's my father
And that one in the hat, that's me
It's a skill I'd hoped to abandon
When I got out on the open road
But any more pent up emotion
And I think I'm gonna explode
There's never been an endeavor so strange
As trying to slow the blood in my veins
To keep my face blank
As a stone that just sank
Until not a ripple remains
I am high above the tree line
Sitting cross legged on the ground
When all of the forbidden fruit has fallen and rotted
That's when I'm gonna come down
'Course numb is an old hat
Old as my oldest memories
See that one's my mother
And that one's my father
And that one in the hat, that's me
It's a skill I'd hoped to abandon
When I got out on the open road
But any more pent up emotion
And I think I'm gonna explode
—Ani DiFranco
Feeling spineless.
Trying to learn to be less alive
Using all of my will
To keep very still
Still even on the inside
I've cut all of the pertinent wires
So my eyes can't make that connection
I am holding my breath
I am feigning my death
When I'm looking in your direction
'Course numb is an old hat
Old as my oldest memories
See that one's my mother
And that one's my father
And that one in the hat, that's me
It's a skill I'd hoped to abandon
When I got out on the open road
But any more pent up emotion
And I think I'm gonna explode
There's never been an endeavor so strange
As trying to slow the blood in my veins
To keep my face blank
As a stone that just sank
Until not a ripple remains
I am high above the tree line
Sitting cross legged on the ground
When all of the forbidden fruit has fallen and rotted
That's when I'm gonna come down
'Course numb is an old hat
Old as my oldest memories
See that one's my mother
And that one's my father
And that one in the hat, that's me
It's a skill I'd hoped to abandon
When I got out on the open road
But any more pent up emotion
And I think I'm gonna explode
—Ani DiFranco
Feeling spineless.
July 25, 2007
um . . . HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Be prepared to create Sober's profile this weekend, Sarah: Dogster
Betsy: I would love to see Nikita's profile on Catster.
Oh, and I'm seriously considering adopting Louie. He's a star now though, after being on Good Morning America, so I think I need to move pretty damn quickly!!
I should totally try to make as many important life decisions as possible today . . .
Betsy: I would love to see Nikita's profile on Catster.
Oh, and I'm seriously considering adopting Louie. He's a star now though, after being on Good Morning America, so I think I need to move pretty damn quickly!!
I should totally try to make as many important life decisions as possible today . . .
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